Are we human, or are we numbers?

So many things happened last year, and yet I did not even manage my yearly accounting. Not that I was so busy, that I could not write a few lines, but I guess for me the real question was what do I really want to say to the world and why do I want to do that?

Maybe I just did not have an inspiring enough story to tell, but at the same time, I also felt myself recoiling a bit with the whole new level of PDA (Public Display of Achievements) that happen these days.

Do I really want to list my achievements, or the number of heart breaks or simply the top ten lessons learnt this year on this blog? In a way, you can say that I have been rethinking my idea of summarising and examining the year gone by.

A conversation with a friend made me realise that it is very easy or us to fall prey to the ultimate number game. It starts off at a young age as 'How many toys do you have?', 'What percentage did you get in 10th std board exams?' and continues through adolescence as 'How many girl/boy friends did you have?' and as a grown up you hear 'How much do you get paid?, 'How many kids do you have?', 'How many cars do you have?', 'How many houses do you own?', 'How big is your television?' or even sometimes 'How many 'likes' do you get on your Facebook profile?'

It is as if all these numbers add up to the grand total of being the individuals that we are.

But do we really need to measure our success and failures by counting the rungs of ladder that we have climbed? Is it possible that the numbers are simply encouraging a mindless comparison between different people, some of whom would otherwise be perfectly happy with less but are now miserable since others around them have more? Moreover, can there be a single number which satisfy all the different kinds of people? [To all my sci-fi loving friends, please don't say 42!]

I want to think that there is a state of mind which is so pure and resonant with our inner self, that when we achieve it, we can revel in simply being ourselves, without the need for a pat on our back, without the need to justify, and most importantly without having to measure the feeling and adding a price tag to it. But I also know that it takes great mental strength and conviction to achieve this state of mind.

Perhaps one way would be to have regular honest conversations with yourself. To try and periodically disconnect and isolate yourself from your immediate surrounding so that it gives you an idea of who you really are.
But I am sure there are other ways that you guys have figured out. I would love to know alternative views and if at all any of you have suffered from the pressure of keeping up with the numbers, especially when it does not quite result in the contentment that we all hope for. What did you do? How did you stop counting?

Dealing with lows

I usually don't like writing when I go through my lows, but then I asked myself why not?

Is it because I don't want the world to know that I am hurting, or is it because I don't want people who know me to react one way or the other because they now explicitly know my state of mind, or is it simply because it is not 'cool' to be sad. Especially when most of the world visible to me (which is of course selective vision, because I am not looking at people who are genuinely worse off) seems to be having a party.

There is also this other thing about having a big enough ego which prevents me from admitting my weakness.

The answer could be a combination of all these things, but I realised that there are a few things that I do need to remember and share.

Most of the times, when I write on this blog, I am in a motivational mood. And I tend to talk about being the best that you can be, about being a super hero. And while I still believe each of us has a super hero hiding within us, yet the thing that I may not always admit is that each of us also has a personal demon hiding inside us. Our life is at times just a battle between the best of us trying to overcome the worst of us, and no, the good does not always automatically win. But I do believe that we are capable of turning it around. Sometimes by ourselves, and at other times with a little help from friends and family. Sometimes a few words from total strangers on the internet can also shake us out of our trance and put us in the right frame of mind.

From personal experience, there are few things I have learned and I would like to document it here so that I can remember it next time when I am not feeling that great.

1. Accept.
Your problem may be very small compared to a huge population of the world, but if it is keeping you awake at nights and stressing you out, then it is a problem for you. While it is good to see things in perspective, I think it is important to accept that you have a problem.

2. Communicate.
My natural reaction when sad is to go quiet and coop up. However this only leads to a downward spiral. And most times it also leads to people around me not knowing what I am going through leading to further misunderstandings where I end up blaming them for being insensitive and them blaming me for being rude. The only way to break this cycle is admit to these people (at least the few who matter and those with whom you need to communicate every day) what you really are feeling.

3. Root cause.
This one is the obvious step once you have accepted and admitted. Often it is the easiest step after the first two are done because most times we already know what is troubling us but just didn't want to admit it.

4. Solve.
One way is to write down a step by step approach to solving the problem. This may sound like a very engineered way (well of course what else would you expect from an engineer!) but seriously it works. It makes the problem less overwhelming, and secondly every step that you achieve motivates you to reach the next.

5. Focus on positives.
Sometimes I am very cynical (and not without reason) about human beings and the way they treat each other etc. However it is also true that certain other human beings are truly inspiring. Don't be afraid of seeking help and guidance from people you admire. In fact if possible always make a mental note of what you think is the best quality of the worst person that you can think of. There maybe something to learn from him/her.
(But if it is taking too long to find that one good thing, then just move on. Best to distance yourself from people whose negative qualities weigh you down.)

6. Remember.
Always remember the people who helped you in whatever way.  Also take note of actions, words, books, food, colour, smell, touch, movies, conversations, anything at all that made/make you smile. I think it is very important to build this memory map of happiness and conserve it for a day in future. A day when you need it the most.

Love, home and the in between

Recently, I read a book which made me spiral down the low path. But the good thing is, it made me think.

Actually, upon reading a few pages, I decided to take the easy way out and see the movie instead. But after seeing it, something about the movie did not quite feel right, and so I just read the book. And that is when I realised what the problem with the movie was. It's 'happy ending' seemed rather out of place for the main character of the story.

I am talking about 'Miss Holiday Golightly, Travelling' from 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. And although this is a classic story, for some reason I had never read it before. Because if I had, I would have learnt something from it and maybe have rectified my own personality little by little over the years. But that did not happen, and so here I am, a little broken, but hopefully nothing that cannot be glued back in time.

Holly's elusive idea of Breakfast at Tiffany's is no different from my constant search for a home. The breakfast that she never really will have, the home that I will never find. The idea of that perfect place which is in our heads, cannot exist in reality because of the eternal contradiction that if it is perfect, it must be the end. And we don't want the journey to end. We want to be 'travelling' forever.

And I don't know if it is part and parcel of such characters, but the other (unfortunate) resemblance between Holly and me is our attitude towards love and freedom.

I have often called myself commitment phobic. But never really dissected it's meaning to the core. But now I understand that it is not falling in love that I have ever been afraid of - in fact that has been my way of life forever. Rather, it is the state of being in (a steady state kind of) love which has always been the tough one for me.
To top that, the commitment, which is more towards being true to the rules which the society defines as 'being in love' makes it (for us, I think) tiring. The phobia I guess is really for the word 'commitment' which makes me feel like I am being forced to do something as opposed to doing something because I choose to do so on an everyday basis.

I think Holly and me, we both grew up with the notion that love should set you free, not tie you down. And that, unfortunately is not quite how it works in real life. And one reason for that maybe is that it is not cool to question and discuss your true feelings with your loved ones. Because apparently even asking the question aloud is a step towards betrayal. But what indeed make relationships so fragile?


Anyways, the reason I decided to share these thoughts on this platform really was to emphasise :

- Firstly, the difference that books or stories which make you think, can really make in your life. (This message is more for myself than for anyone else really. I need to read more and perhaps venture outside my comfort zone of reading as well)

- Secondly, to not get bogged down with words and their meanings and not let someone else's definition of being in a relationship spoil mine.

- Thirdly, to remember that while falling in love (all kinds) may well be automatic, being in love needs effort, understanding and patience. Though I have always been a passionate person, I don't think I have done any justice to the virtue of patience. I need to work on that.

And with that I will leave you all to explore and celebrate in your own way, the week that will culminate into a single representative day of love. Happy St. Valentine's.

Of delayed milestones and choosing to live

End of a calendar year always makes me want to reflect and account for it. I guess this is my way of trying to summarise the value of the time that was spent and not let it go unnoticed.

Like one of the things that I learnt this year is that when people tell you to live your life as if this is your last day - they are basically asking you to do an impossible task. (Until humans learn to time travel that is.)

I think that if I knew today really was my last day, I would possibly make a few different choices. 

But in reality you can never know that. And you cannot choose individual moments, you always choose a moment along with its consequences. 

I tend to choose moments with consequences I am prepared to live with (and not have to die the next day). Some of them maybe regrets. Some unfulfilled curiosities. And some impulsive risks. Of course since consequences are in the future, you can only make a guess. Though many times it is not that hard to extrapolate, sometimes you could miscalculate. You still do have to live with it. 

(And then it boils down to how objective you can be about making mistakes, learning and moving on. But I have already written extensively about my learnings about making mistakes before.)

Another thing that happened recently, again left me quite pensive.

I had a few hours of panic and self doubt after speaking to a very good friend. It seems I have not been achieving any of the expected milestones in life and I was starting to feel a bit like a student with learning disability who keeps falling back in class.

I soon reasoned with myself that milestones are not absolute. Just like the notion of truth is not absolute. It is more like a probability, given a set of conditions/constraints and depends a lot on the subject. 

But with that I also realised that unfortunately we still do need our own personal goals/milestones to give us a general direction (or the much overused term 'purpose') in life. And equally importantly, we also need to space them in such a way that every now and then we are rewarded with mini achievements. 

Below are some of my high level goals which have been consistent over pretty much the last decade (some are in fact carry over from the last two decades really!)

1. Visit Antarctica.

2. Publish my book of verses.

3. Be able to innovate/invent as an engineer.

4. Understand what terms like freedom and happiness mean to me.

5. Do whatever it takes to feel alive.

(Of course I also have little ones which I hope are increasing my chances of getting to the big ones one day.)

Otherwise, 2013 has been less adventurous than usual so far (of course everything could change in the last month!). However the number of interesting people I have met this year has surely gone up and I have managed to sneak in an address change in the last minute, so life is still interesting. There were also some healthy doses of farewells, disappointments, embarrassments and even tiny victories which have kept me going and left me wanting more.

Always a good way to end, I think.

The accidental grown-up

Lately I have been getting this sneaky feeling that I have been growing up without me noticing or giving it much thought. I have always felt stuck in the past and resisted growing up or taking responsibility. But looks like it is happening with or without me acknowledging it. 

I hadn't thought much about influencing youngsters before, because so far I was the youngster. I remember how my life and attitude towards life changed because I met some of my 'seniors' in that vulnerable period of my life. The period of life, when I took everything in like a sponge. I was always drawn towards people who wanted to do something more than just a 9-5 job. Who were passionate about what they did, and who always wanted to make a difference. They inspired me and I wanted to imitate them. Eventually I may not have ended up doing exactly what they did, but in many ways they defined my future direction in life.

And in a similar way, when the other day a junior colleague asked me why I do what I do, I did not hesitate telling him that it is because I loved what I did. Interestingly he told me he is doing what he is doing for the 'money', to which my response was 

'Money should be the by-product of doing what you love, not the objective'. 

He gave me a skeptical look. Our conversation was cut off due to someone else walking into the room, but I hope he will process what I said in his own time, and not just discard it as just another grown up lecture. 

The conversation made me realise, that I have the power to influence and affect others around me, and some of them are six, seven or even ten years younger than me. When I speak to them, they look up to me. I am no longer just a friend or a colleague, who is making an off handed remark. But my words are shaping their future even if it is in smallish way. 

Having said that, it is also easy to fall into the misconception that as a grown-up we know everything and that we know better than the youngsters. I could begin to take myself too seriously and start lecturing, something that I have hated about some of the grown-ups that I happen to know. 

So, all in all this phase of transitioning into a grown-up so to speak is a dangerous one. And something I didn't think I would have to think about quite this early in life! But there is a hidden responsibility that comes with it, and I guess I always have to remember (as wtp reminded me today) that

'To be able to teach, you have to be able to learn'. 

A good engineer

I have often wondered what makes a good engineer. And the answer that comes to my mind is :

A good engineer is someone who genuinely cares. Everything else can be learnt. 

But I don't think this is a complete answer. And needs to be extended a bit. This post in a way is a personal reminder for myself for the days I feel lost and defeated and am not sure why I am doing what I am doing. I also hope it will help new graduates and young students realise their true potential and not get disheartened with the impending tryst with the '9 to 5' life. It does not have to be like that.

Curiosity I believe is the second ingredient to this mix of essential elements. Mix a person who genuinely cares about solving a certain problem, with another who is curious about how things work or don't, and there you have quite a powerful combination.

Next comes dedication and determination. It is all very good to want to solve a problem and want to find out about how you can do it, but what is the use of it all, if you cannot keep at it. Not every problem can be solved quickly. Not every curiosity lead to answers. It is easy to run into dead ends and lose enthusiasm. Personally for me one of the key quality of a good engineer is to be able to persevere in spite of the road blocks, discouragements, and multitudes of challenges that one is sure to face. And these challenges need not even be solely technical. I find it important at such times to filter out the surrounding noise and focus on the real problem that I am trying to solve. And this is where 'caring' helps. I find that if I genuinely care about solving the problem, it makes it easier to ignore all the noise surrounding it.

The next essential ingredient that comes to my mind is the passion to learn and humility. No matter how smart a solution you think you have come up with, it is possible that someone else can do it better than you. In fact keeping an open mind is very important in order to better evolve in an industry/world where new technology/talent/ideas are being born every second. You cannot keep up in the long run, if you don't learn and adapt quickly.

And while talking about learning and adapting, the complementary skill I would add to achieve a healthy balance is innovation. Thinking out of the box, taking risks (because of what you believe and not just to be 'different') and having the courage and confidence to go against the flow of existing way of things is absolutely essential for a good engineer. At the end of the day, the reason we exist is to hopefully add some real value to the world and in some way create our own little legacy. The bigger the impact, the greater the value addition. Although this is not to say solving small problems is not an achievement in its own right. Because it most definitely is. And it may well be a stepping stone to solving much bigger problems in future.

There are a few more personal favourites that I would like to add to this 'super engineer' mix.
One of them being automation. An engineer should be able to identify what can be automated and optimized and what needs concentrated brain power. If a machine can be made to do what you are doing, then you are not really adding a lot of value.
The second one is to be able to switch between stepping back to understand the big picture and then zooming into the details and nitty-gritty of the problem itself.
The third for me is to ask why and to challenge myself at every point. Why do I want to solve this particular problem? What is the benefit? Is it quantifiable in any way? This gives more meaning to the work I do and it adds to the reasons to 'care'.

I am sure there are several other key ingredients, but the last one that I will add in my list today, is good communication skills. This is not last on the list, because it is less important, but more because I have seen cases where people lacking many of the above key ingredients get away in life only on the basis of being able to 'speak well'. The harsh reality of life is that it is not enough to simply care about solving the problem, but you also have to know how to sell your solution. If you genuinely believe that you have something valuable to contribute to the world, you have to take the pain and the effort and speak up, and speak well. Or else it will be lost to the world with you.

And finally as a personal test, maybe all we need to do is ask ourselves this question:
Do I get high on solving problems?
If the answer is yes, it probably is a good starting point. The rest of above ingredients are just nudges in the right direction.




p.s.These points can be extended to what makes a good professional, but I have chosen engineers in particular here as I want to establish a firm boundary for the context of this post, and stick to the set of humans, that I relate to the most.

Updating this as I learn more...Sometimes just being a good engineer is contrary to being able to survive in the current state of corporate world. Caring may make us good engineers, but caring too much makes us vulnerable and open to hurt. I am not saying hence we must not care. I am just laying down the consequences as is.

Mistakes - the good, bad and ugly of it all

I have always been of the opinion that mistakes play a big part in teaching us important things in life for real and for ever. However I recently realised having this opinion does not necessarily make me better at handling my own mistakes.

One silly incident from my childhood comes to mind. I remember once getting 98/100 in a subject in school. I was relatively happy since I had topped the subject in my class. However when I came home and joyously informed my parents about it, the first thing my dad asked me was 'Where did you lose the 2 marks?' I was immediately ashamed, angry and sad all at once. I could not quite fathom why the bigger number 98 did not matter to him? Why was I being asked about the 2 marks that I lost? Why were we discussing my mistake and not my achievement?

I guess I know the answer to that now. This is how it is in real life. If the expectation is of 100 then anything less than that is a failure. But is it realistic to expect 100? Maybe not. But for many of us, our mind has been trained since childhood to aim for 100. And sometimes this training from childhood surpasses any logical reasoning of reality and makes us over react to our mistakes. Instead of dealing with them like they are a stepping stone to a greater understanding, we punish ourselves for slipping.

I am writing these thoughts here, because I think it is important that we teach our children and ourselves the importance of making mistakes, being able to accept them and finally dealing with them. While it is good to discuss and analyse what went wrong and why, I also think it is important to not make a child/person feel so scared of making a mistake that he/she is too scared to step outside his/her comfort zone and take on new risks and challenges. Excessive fear of making mistakes can make us dull, overly cautious and close minded. Also sometimes the mistakes we make drive us towards alternate solutions and fuel our creativity.

However, as we grow up, the consequences and repercussions of each mistake gets bigger (sometimes in reality and sometimes simply in our heads). And really it is the attitude that we develop as a child which helps us get through some of our difficult phases in adulthood and keep a sense of balance in our lives.

Like in my case, I feel I should have learnt a bit more about perspective and big picture and not let every little 'up' and 'down' swing me one way or the other so drastically. I still think it is right to aspire for a 100, but maybe have a better understanding of what '100' means to me rather than to absolutely everyone around me.



In fact, thinking about it now, considering I am in the business of minimizing error (Control systems), theoretically I know exactly what I should be doing. Decrease sensitivity towards noise, learn from previous mistake (feedback) and concentrate on getting to set point as fast as possible. How I translate that in real life is of course the real problem to solve!