A Lexicon of 'Missing You'

This has happened a few times. I am sitting on my bed or sofa, reading or watching something on my laptop, and suddenly I feel the bed shake - ever so slightly. My first instinct is always, is it an earthquake? But I know too well, it cannot be. Not in this part of the physical world.

It's strange because there are some words that you know the meaning of, but cannot definitely tell that you are feeling it. And there are also times, you feel something, but cannot connect a word with what you are feeling. Is it just me, or are there others who also live this 'almost life', a seemingly disparate existence, one on the surface and another somewhere deep down - perhaps in their soul?

I learnt the meaning of the Japanese word '恋しい - koishi' after moving back to the UK. 

It was during the only Japanese-English language exchange meetup that I attended in London. Someone asked me what I feel most 'koishi' - missing the most, yearning for the most - about Japan. And I was completely taken aback by the question - no, not the question, but the word. 

How was it possible that I had never heard this word before? Not that I want to boast about my vocabulary, but honestly, this is such a necessary word, I thought, how was it possible that after 3 and half years of living in the country, interacting with people, having seen an uncountable number of animations, and passing my Japanese Language Proficiency Test Level 3, I did not know - never even heard - what at that moment in time felt like such an important word?

Is it possible that I never went looking for it in all this time?

Of course I oversimplified the answer to the question - I missed my friends the most, the food, the people. It was the truth. But I also knew, that somehow what I miss the most is perhaps what I cannot explain to anyone. Maybe I have not yet learnt words that can help me describe this entity, and I was in no rush to learn either.

Most times I am happy to live with ghosts of feelings, which are neither dead, nor defined - but reside in some shapeless, wordless corner of my mind.