Dealing with lows

I usually don't like writing when I go through my lows, but then I asked myself why not?

Is it because I don't want the world to know that I am hurting, or is it because I don't want people who know me to react one way or the other because they now explicitly know my state of mind, or is it simply because it is not 'cool' to be sad. Especially when most of the world visible to me (which is of course selective vision, because I am not looking at people who are genuinely worse off) seems to be having a party.

There is also this other thing about having a big enough ego which prevents me from admitting my weakness.

The answer could be a combination of all these things, but I realised that there are a few things that I do need to remember and share.

Most of the times, when I write on this blog, I am in a motivational mood. And I tend to talk about being the best that you can be, about being a super hero. And while I still believe each of us has a super hero hiding within us, yet the thing that I may not always admit is that each of us also has a personal demon hiding inside us. Our life is at times just a battle between the best of us trying to overcome the worst of us, and no, the good does not always automatically win. But I do believe that we are capable of turning it around. Sometimes by ourselves, and at other times with a little help from friends and family. Sometimes a few words from total strangers on the internet can also shake us out of our trance and put us in the right frame of mind.

From personal experience, there are few things I have learned and I would like to document it here so that I can remember it next time when I am not feeling that great.

1. Accept.
Your problem may be very small compared to a huge population of the world, but if it is keeping you awake at nights and stressing you out, then it is a problem for you. While it is good to see things in perspective, I think it is important to accept that you have a problem.

2. Communicate.
My natural reaction when sad is to go quiet and coop up. However this only leads to a downward spiral. And most times it also leads to people around me not knowing what I am going through leading to further misunderstandings where I end up blaming them for being insensitive and them blaming me for being rude. The only way to break this cycle is admit to these people (at least the few who matter and those with whom you need to communicate every day) what you really are feeling.

3. Root cause.
This one is the obvious step once you have accepted and admitted. Often it is the easiest step after the first two are done because most times we already know what is troubling us but just didn't want to admit it.

4. Solve.
One way is to write down a step by step approach to solving the problem. This may sound like a very engineered way (well of course what else would you expect from an engineer!) but seriously it works. It makes the problem less overwhelming, and secondly every step that you achieve motivates you to reach the next.

5. Focus on positives.
Sometimes I am very cynical (and not without reason) about human beings and the way they treat each other etc. However it is also true that certain other human beings are truly inspiring. Don't be afraid of seeking help and guidance from people you admire. In fact if possible always make a mental note of what you think is the best quality of the worst person that you can think of. There maybe something to learn from him/her.
(But if it is taking too long to find that one good thing, then just move on. Best to distance yourself from people whose negative qualities weigh you down.)

6. Remember.
Always remember the people who helped you in whatever way.  Also take note of actions, words, books, food, colour, smell, touch, movies, conversations, anything at all that made/make you smile. I think it is very important to build this memory map of happiness and conserve it for a day in future. A day when you need it the most.

Love, home and the in between

Recently, I read a book which made me spiral down the low path. But the good thing is, it made me think.

Actually, upon reading a few pages, I decided to take the easy way out and see the movie instead. But after seeing it, something about the movie did not quite feel right, and so I just read the book. And that is when I realised what the problem with the movie was. It's 'happy ending' seemed rather out of place for the main character of the story.

I am talking about 'Miss Holiday Golightly, Travelling' from 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. And although this is a classic story, for some reason I had never read it before. Because if I had, I would have learnt something from it and maybe have rectified my own personality little by little over the years. But that did not happen, and so here I am, a little broken, but hopefully nothing that cannot be glued back in time.

Holly's elusive idea of Breakfast at Tiffany's is no different from my constant search for a home. The breakfast that she never really will have, the home that I will never find. The idea of that perfect place which is in our heads, cannot exist in reality because of the eternal contradiction that if it is perfect, it must be the end. And we don't want the journey to end. We want to be 'travelling' forever.

And I don't know if it is part and parcel of such characters, but the other (unfortunate) resemblance between Holly and me is our attitude towards love and freedom.

I have often called myself commitment phobic. But never really dissected it's meaning to the core. But now I understand that it is not falling in love that I have ever been afraid of - in fact that has been my way of life forever. Rather, it is the state of being in (a steady state kind of) love which has always been the tough one for me.
To top that, the commitment, which is more towards being true to the rules which the society defines as 'being in love' makes it (for us, I think) tiring. The phobia I guess is really for the word 'commitment' which makes me feel like I am being forced to do something as opposed to doing something because I choose to do so on an everyday basis.

I think Holly and me, we both grew up with the notion that love should set you free, not tie you down. And that, unfortunately is not quite how it works in real life. And one reason for that maybe is that it is not cool to question and discuss your true feelings with your loved ones. Because apparently even asking the question aloud is a step towards betrayal. But what indeed make relationships so fragile?


Anyways, the reason I decided to share these thoughts on this platform really was to emphasise :

- Firstly, the difference that books or stories which make you think, can really make in your life. (This message is more for myself than for anyone else really. I need to read more and perhaps venture outside my comfort zone of reading as well)

- Secondly, to not get bogged down with words and their meanings and not let someone else's definition of being in a relationship spoil mine.

- Thirdly, to remember that while falling in love (all kinds) may well be automatic, being in love needs effort, understanding and patience. Though I have always been a passionate person, I don't think I have done any justice to the virtue of patience. I need to work on that.

And with that I will leave you all to explore and celebrate in your own way, the week that will culminate into a single representative day of love. Happy St. Valentine's.