Yes, I have been through this before, I thought to myself as I picked myself up this time round.
The misery followed by the cold numbness, and then a glimmer of hope, followed by anticipation of an anti-climatic outcome.
I wonder if to be human is to live with perpetual bouts of self doubt and inadequacy. The more I live, the less I can trust any of my emotion. It is as if I have lived through this already, I know the drill, I know the cycle. And I know that nothing is real. Yet I live in hopes of finding something that feels real. Something I can touch, feel, depend on. Something that is not transient and can stand the test of time.
Thinking back, there was one moment that broke the cycle and did not repeat. The day I saw wtp on his bike in his white shirt, cool sleeves, quarter folded to expose a bit of his arm. I don't remember any more if he was going away from me, or coming towards me. Guess it didn't matter that much. Perhaps it was my inability to define my exact feeling at that time. But it is a feeling, I think I never felt again.
That's so heartfelt and real.
ReplyDelete... btw wat's wtp ?
Thanks for urging me to write. Even if it is the same old stuff, guess I still need to acknowledge it, again and again.
Deletewtp: I give code names to different people who sometimes get named in my stories.